Sunday, 4 December 2011

An Apology

Well, today I apologised to my girlfriend's eldest son. It was one of the most significant things I have ever done. Why? Because, the fear of upsetting people, the guilt that goes along with it has haunted me since I was a child. I have never apologised to someone a week after the event. All my previous apologies were done in a remorseful manner, suffering a hangover. Remorse is a terrible thing but all my apologies, and this bares repeating, were undertaken when drunk.

This apology was done sober. Last Monday, following my last drunk and outburst, I left early. My girlfriend took two days off work and her son helped her through. He told her that I should come back, because he knows we should be together, that we love each other and that we can all talk.

Well I did come back Friday. I picked him up this morning with his mum and I apologised. This apology was done sober. It was said a week after the event. I did not have to make this apology, I could have ran away and never come back but I did, and I made the apology.

I am proud of myself. I am not sure if I should be but I am because I did something that was right. I can do no more.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.

Those words have dominated my thoughts this week. And they are very true now. I have done all that I can but her son is very angry and there is an atmosphere. But then he is always angry, there is always an atmosphere. That is one of the pressures I was unable to deal with without recourse alcohol. If he is angry so be it. I can not change him. I can only change me. I am not the cause of his anger. His anger has been there for many years. Yes I did wrong but I have done all I can.

But, I am not going to let someone else's behaviour and mood have an impact on my sobriety. If I have to I will go back to where I am comfortable.

Saturday, 3 December 2011


Reading my copy of Living for Today reminds me that I should not think about my problems tomorrow but I thought I would share them here.

This is my fourth day sober. Tomorrow, my girlfriend's eldest son will be coming to stay. Last Sunday, my behaviour towards him was appalling. Why, because I am alcoholic and was unable to assimilate and deal with daily pressures without recourse to retarded behaviour.

Those pressures were real and I felt them terribly. I am proud that I took on part responsibility for a new family earlier this year. Throughout this year, I have done my best to keep everyone together, to be part of a new family, to discard things that were said and done that were hurtful, sometimes very hurtful.

But, of course, I am an alcoholic and eventually as part of a drunk, I was going to unleash my feelings. Last Sunday, I did towards my girlfriend and her eldest son.

I left early Monday morning, my girlfriend took two days off work and the two of them talked. He looked after her and said that neither of us should drink but that I should come back because we do love each other and I make her happy, which is of course what he wants.

I came home yesterday. Tomorrow, I will see my girlfriend's son and I will apologise. It is going to be hard because I care and I want this family. In times past, I would have escaped, gone on more drunks. Those days are over because I know that I can never drink again.

Thursday, 1 December 2011

Day 2 Sobriety

They say that sooner or later you forget your sobriety days. I can't wait to find that is true.
I have started this blog because I believe it will help in my recovery from alcoholism and my attempt to remain sober day by day.

Right now, I will not tell of my most recent drunk but I am done. I have known I was done for a few months. But, apart from a few attempts at AA I have not done anything about it.

However, on Monday I finally admitted, at 30 years of age, that I was an acloholic to the man I love most, my father. By doing that, I had finally admitted to myself that I was an alcoholic. I have kept this knowledge from him for years, so to do it, though it does not feel huge, I just know it is. I know that it will change my future.

Yet sobriety for me will only come with AA. Tomorrow I go back home to my girlfriend. I am then abroad working with my father. I used to fear that but I know I will remain sober. Next Thursday, when I return, I will be back in the meetings. This time I will ask for help.

So, that is my first post. I look forward to so many!